Mortimer Lakewood’s Supper

Posted: 15th May 2011 by Josh Clark in fiction
Tags: ,
2

Mortimer Lakewood was a simple man with simple dreams and a simple tidy even tempered life.  He drank his scotch neat and ate his steak medium rare with a spread of sliced yukon potatoes in a garlic sauce with a tasteful garnish of greens.  He drove a conservative car and wore a smart but unassuming tweed suit and black tie.  Every part of his life was digested slowly, with wisdom, a meticulous attention to detail and solid yet malleable plan.

On the 27th of October he changed his habits.  He moved carefully through the debris in the street the  county workers were busily cleaning up, clambered up the steps of his porch and slowly took his house key from his pocket and slid it into the deadbolt of his front door with a careful measured movement.

Mortimer was determined to enjoy his supper tonight.  He added two drops to his scotch to let it breath and lowered the temperature on his oven by a few degrees so that his precise cooking time was unaltered but the calculated change would produce a nice seared rare steak as opposed to the medium rare texture he was accustomed to.

This was the entire result of his discomfort.  He saw it as a simple, yet carefully quantified, change in rhythm.

A practiced cut with his knife sliced a tenuous yet healthy hunk from the seared surface of his porterhouse and a rivulet of blood pooled in the concave of his plate spreading slowly converging with the delicate garlic sauce of the potatoes.  He eyed the piece with a measured gaze thoughtfully for a moment before putting in his mouth, biting down and chewing.  It was a delicious change he decided as he forked a potato slice and he was going to enjoy it.  He smothered the slice into the thick of the garlic sauce and then across to the edge of the pool to where the sauce mixed with lighter liquid of the blood and soaked it again.  Hungrily he put the potato slice in his mouth with the half chewed steak and enjoyed the sublime tastes together.  He finished chewing, swallowed and reached for the rocks glass that held his scotch.  He put the glass to his lips and let the scotch pour in until it pooled and cascaded  around his tongue, enjoyed the flavor for a  moment and then gulped it down.

Mortimer sighed the heavy sigh of a satisfied man and smiled wearily enjoying the scotch as it rolled down his throat into his belly on the heels of his delicious dinner imaging for a moment the ingredients mixing together in his stomach.  The simple pleasures were the most important he decided –  A good steak, a well aged single malt, the loving glance of a beautiful woman, a satisfying career or the heady thickness of good conversation with a dear friend.  That was what life was all about.  So many people would drift laconically through their lives without ever realizing it or taking the time to enjoy it.

He enjoyed his simple pleasures, the simple drift through events and the postulation of the grand design laid before his feet as he walked from one day to the next.  Mortimer spoke when it was necessary with an slow agreeable tone, a good handshake and a warm familial smile that broke the lines on his face in an honest way that often set others at ease.

Mortimer finished his meal in silence, he was in no hurry.  When he was done he drew the shades closed to block out the view of the street and the workers who were finishing up and getting ready to head home stopping for only a moment to notice the red tinged sunset over the trees that grew in the park across the street.

Moving to his study with a fresh serving of scotch he sat down a, put on his archaic utilitarian reading glasses and considered the papers he had left there the night before.  He began to wade through the pile, signing behind “X’s” and initialing over short lines at paragraphs when necessary.  It was quick work but Mortimer took his time writing his signature with artful practiced strokes in fanciful cursive letters that blended together into two long swooping symbols that symbolized his first and last names, then jittering quick italic numbers to signify the date.  It seemed that there was always paperwork to do, but he never complained.

He looked at the picture of his wife Eleanor and their children on the desk and swallowed the last of his scotch.  This was good single malt and a good year.  15 year old Laphroaig.  He took his glasses off and placed them on top of the stack of papers as he rubbed the bridge of his nose where they had sat, then  carefully slid the stack of papers into a heavy cardboard envelope, sealed it and attached the proper postage then switched off the light and moved into the bedroom.

As he undressed and changed into his night clothes he went through a checklist of lights, locks, electrical appliances, dishes making sure that everything was properly attended to.  Then he manged his thoughts making sure that everything intangible was in its place, that his paperwork was in order, phone calls were made, his paperwork correctly designed, emails responded to in a timely manner.   By the time he had finished changing his clothes he was satisfied that everything was taken care of.

Mortimer drew back the blankets from his bed, slid in, laid down, casually pulled the clean sheets and blankets over him rested his head on his pillow and closed his eyes.

A week after the county clean up crew would finish cleaning up the debris of the car wreck that killed one adult female, age 37 and two children, ages 8 and 10, the county coroner would find traces of a rare slow acting poison created by the mixing of three carefully measured common ingredients that when combined would stop the heart – in the system of one very healthy male aged 42 years.  The accounting firm Lakewood, Barnes and associates would wonder why one of their employees stopped coming to work.  Shortly after this the Law firm of Gregory Smith, acting on the order of the papers entrusted to them, a week earlier by courier, would follow to the letter the last will and testament of their now deceased client by liquidating properties and assets of said client and use the money to have the bodies of the deceased and his family lowered into the ground at the Shoregrove cemetary in a family plot and the excess funds would be distributed to various respectable charities, firms and businesses that would use distribute the money in the form of college grants and scholarships.

In the end, as the crew at the graveyard solemnly lowered the caskets of the Lakewood family into the ground, the parties and persons involved decided that this was only a simple and temporary shift in the rhythm of their lives.

Evaluation – A Preamble

Posted: 14th January 2011 by Josh Clark in non-fiction
Tags:
0

An evaluation of the sociological and political climate in which we, as human beings and citizens as a whole and a community, exist must begin with a broad and encompassing understanding of the condition of the microcosm of self and the interactions of small groups as they are born from the necessities of survival and continuance; or, “As above, so below” a common expression among ancient scholars, alchemists and hermeticists originating from the emerald tablet may distance some scientific scholars and students from the outset however the statement itself resonates an underlying veneer of archaic truth that has served as a starting point for many successful endeavors both philosophical and scientific and seems particularly accurate in this consideration as it mirrors the depth our evaluation must attempt to reach to achieve a level of scholastic acumen and authority in this endeavor; that is – our evaluation and understanding of the human condition as it exists around us, the reasoning that brought us to it and most importantly why it must change.

As an aside I feel that it is necessary to say I have no intention of illustrating and proving points that have already been proved and illustrated copiously nor do i have a desire to completely annotate this document. This should in no way diminish the reliability of this document; anything that is in any way of questionable repute will be either excluded or annotated directly with the most recent findings and studies available at the time of this writing. This is partly for the sake of brevity, as I am not writing a thesis on the subject and partly because a document of great length may lesson the impact and therefore diminish the result of this document.

Addendum: I also feel the need to say that I have discarded my original intention of creating a detailed and authoritative philosophical treatise in favor of a more ‘flow of thought’ document injected intermittently with writing that could be considered opinion when considered individually instead of part of the document as a whole in part because of the subject matter but mostly because of my own frustrations originating from the documents lack of timely completion due to variety of projects requiring my attention.

A human being is a biological construct classified and categorized – homo sapiens Latin for ‘wise man’ given presumably on the basis that humans are arguably the singular biological constructs possessing that spark in the cerebral cortex that ignites the capability of conscious thought and planning (recently in many academic circles this definition and the assumption of human’s being unique in this has come into question). Given the state of of the present evaluation however I myself must question not the capability or exclusivity of this state but the application of it and to approach the question of its uniform existence in homo sapiens.

The next item to consider after the general condition of the species, and one of the most important and defining items to consider when evaluating a human being, barring that said individual has not lived in complete isolation or captivity for the duration of their lifetime is the aspect of community.

Human beings, irregardless whether they are divine creation or the products of Darwinian evolution, started in small communal family structures and expanded to extended family structures and tribal formations. The earliest human groups were wandering hunter gatherers that followed the movements of game beasts and scavenged for basic survival needs from their environment. This was necessity; survival and lifestyle were coterminous and inseparable.

Understanding the idea of community is necessary when evaluating the human condition; I believe it was Johne Donne, the English poet, who originally said in his Meditations 17 that ‘no man is an island’ meaning that whether it is a pathos that we ascribe to or not we are all interconnected in the greater human community and that everything we do effects all other members of said community whether the effect is direct or indirect is of negligible importance in comparison to the implication of the meaning of the phrase itself.

As humanity advanced throughout history, technologically and experientialy through discovery and repetition, the species discovered alternative methods of survival and the strength that comes from these tribal factions gathering together to create something more. They discovered agriculture, simple avenues of math, science, language and philosophy and gradually these discoveries unfolded to reveal the rudimentary building blocks of a civilization that encompassed trade, crafting, government, economics; all of this was the result of simple tool use and the application of cognitive problem solving driven by the simple needs of survival.

The idea of a human community became more and more prevalent as the well being of a single individual effected everyone around them. Farmers who lost crops or hunters unable to find game effected food levels and created shortages. Ideologies spread quickly from word to mouth in small communities. A deluge of similar crafted goods effected trade and economy as ideas like scarcity and resources begun to be understood and named.

All of these advancements, discoveries and machinations, in broad strokes, have led us to our present moment in history. We have created states, erected buildings, defined governments, as a species we have achieved great things that our predecessors along the stream of time would have only dreamed of or perhaps were even incapable of dreaming of.

It was assumed that the classical school or original school of Philosophy was not the simple theory and postulation of men with beards and togas using large words to mysteriously tackle broad generalizations – classical philosophy was, and is, the endeavor individuals undertake after achieving total mastery of all other subjects of academic learning of their time ranging from engineering, mathematics and medicine to poetry and prose and only having achieved this level of education were they allowed or were at least credible enough to postulate and theorize the nature of the universe. Therefore these same obligations must be applied to present philosophy and therefore the consideration of the topic at hand; everything must be considered and weighed in detail before understanding the state of their whole.

But now the idea must reevaluated, we can longer bask in the grandeur of our past achievements from the perspective of our humble beginnings. A careful or even cursory examination reveals that we, as a community and a species, are progressing backwards. We are devolving. A person only needs to look around them to understand that tribalism is ever prevalent and though we have achieved great things everything that we do from our most basic social interactions to broader applications of movements of economic forces involve and center around the subjugation of others. Even our benevolent governments are stricken by corruption and and greed. The utopian goals of communism were never realized, our capitalism has undermined and destroyed the economic state of the entire world; both of these because human beings were not in power and making decisions; animals were, hungry cannibalistic animals.

~

At the most basic level the greater good is the acknowledgment of the value of the planet and the realization that the betterment of others and the improvement of the living conditions or ‘quality of life’ of the community is the single most beneficial way to benefit self.

Saying all humanity is part of the same basic community is not metaphor or parable. It is a logical and factual truth.

An individual may believe that the pursuit of the greater good may be naive in some respects. I’ve heard this many times. The idea that this is a naive ideology or pursuit assumes that the animal nature of humanity is the prevailing norm and the pursuit of the greater good is a foolish endeavor because of it. This is inaccurate and speaks only of the lack of wisdom and experience of the speaker that proclaims it.

Of course coming from a child it could be a naive statement but in no way does it make the statement any less true. A child has no concept of the rigorous and trials of life or the difficulties that will face them as they grow older. The realization of truth that comes with understanding the value of the greater good also comes with the understanding of how difficult the road of idealism and altruism is. But this idealism isn’t fanciful; it is, by the educated and responsible, the only option; morally, practically, logically, and any other ‘lly’ or ‘ism’ practiced and studied by the rational and intelligent individual. It is the path of the wise.

It is the future. It is planning and acting far beyond self existentially and chronically for the betterment of the species which is one the only goal we can ever work towards that has either merit or worth.

~

The Core element to understand upon reading this is that as a member of the species and the community an individual must at all times consider the ‘greater good’ of the entire human community – not simply their family structure, co-workers, neighbors or even their own country or state but the human community of the ENTIRE WORLD POPULATION and use this as the system of measurement to evaluate their accomplishments, deeds and daily activities. A human being deserving of the title acts selflessly in all endeavors because they serve the greater good. To do otherwise is to admit that you are not a human being you are only a simple animal.

Therefore it can be deduced rather simply that a person that acts thoughtlessly and selfishly for their own well being to the detriment of another is not a human being at all they are a simple mindless animal acting based not on thought but on a basic survival instinct and the desire to dominate and is not only without worth as an individual should be caged and separated from the greater population for the well being of the community as a whole. Any man who seeks to dominate another man whether it be through force of action, innuendo, or economic subjugation is nothing more than a common criminal and should be treated as one would treat a common criminal.

Until this very simple issue is commonly addressed and understood there will be no future for the human race. The benefit of understanding this knowledge and applying it or considering it as it applies to the present day is not only valuable and important but a necessity not only for the common well being or greater good but for the very survival of the species.

Conversations with Mr. Delaponte Pt. 1

Posted: 13th October 2010 by Josh Clark in fiction
Tags: ,
0

Arrival

The plane landed fifteen minutes early at the Portland International Airport at midday, late fall. It was cold and raining; thick splattering northwest rain that made me wonder if the windshield wipers on the rental car were helping or making visibility worse but I kept driving following 84 towards the city.

Whenever I was here and it was raining I wished the weather was nicer, sunnier and when the weather was better I missed the rain; I really didn’t care what the weather was it was just my way of noticing.

I made these trips four or five times a year -Mr Delaponte didn’t like to fly. It wasn’t the flying that bothered him, the man had no fear, he simply didn’t like the idea of planes. He always had interesting opinions of simple things. We both did. After the great mysteries of life were solved the mundane suddenly became much more interesting.

I parked two blocks over from the restaurant, paid my parking, slipped the sticker into the window and locked the doors with the key fob.

Portland is a city of dedicated eccentricity covered in a soft haze of normalcy that is impenetrable to casual traveler. The city itself isn’t large enough for partitioned subcultures other than standard economic divisions but where ever you went you could never escape the feeling that there was something strange hidden underneath everything or at least the attempt to put off the illusory aura of something strange that wasn’t actually there.

My destination was a fine example of the phenomenon. It was a marvel of modern living – the definition of class and fine dining. No sign, no advertisements, no windows; no pretension and no presumption in a corner of a nondescript industrial area. The front door hadn’t changed since my last visit – a plain heavy door with flaking black paint and a mail slot were its only adornments. If you didn’t know the place was here you’d never find it.

Dressed in my normal attire, simple trousers and an overcoat covering a blazer, shirt and a plain tie, I pulled open the door. A man dressed this way could be invisible anywhere and nothing he did would surprise anyone. Onlookers would only remember an average looking man with short brown hair in a suit.

Inside an older gentleman in similar attire greeted me with a polite smile. He reminded me of an old well-mannered english butler like Bruce Wayne’s Alfred in every way. I didn’t know his real name, he’d been here as long as I could remember – probably a permanent fixture since the beginning.

He set the tone of the establishment with his presence and had the demeanor of a man who would gladly acquiesce to any request no matter how outlandish with the same simple civility and cheer as if he had asked you how many lumps of sugar you wanted in your tea.

“May I take your coat sir?”

“Thank you,” I said, scanning the room. Delaponte was at a table against the far wall. Alfred took my coat, folded it over his arm. “I’m meeting someone; I see they’ve already arrived.”

“Of course sir.”

I glanced at the other patrons, as I walked the distance to Delaponte, there were a dozen odd people scattered alone or in pairs. All walks of life converged here. The singular quality of the place was that all were welcomed and treated as equals with the same respect and attentiveness that they desired and were accustomed too. No dress codes, no reservations and no menus. Just a plain room, a few dozen tables lit by candles, a few wood chips on the floor and some overhead lamps.

One of the first rules of etiquette I learned when entertaining was to always wait for your guests to eat and prepare themselves and then adjust to their mannerisms for the dining ritual to make them feel at home and at ease. This place seemed to personify that rule.  For three dollars a homeless person could order bacon, eggs and toast while across the room businessmen in neat suits ordered fresh seafood at a hundred dollars a plate and sampled a variety of wine.

“Good to see you Thomas, I trust you had a pleasant trip.”

“No complaints,” I offered, taking the chair across from him.

Thank You (2)

Posted: 28th September 2010 by Josh Clark in Uncategorized
Tags:
0

Thank you for offering a product, commodity or service that meets my expectations and needs and is of a quality that I find acceptable.

You or you’re company are offering a consumer good which through careful research I decided to trade a symbol of economic work in exchange for the ownership of said goods.

However this is the end of our relationship – I am no way interested in cashback, rewards cards, membership programs, emails, letters, television commercials, incentive programs, being part of a club, discounts, offers, phone calls, EMAILS of any kind, valued customer offers or any other variety of solicitation marketed under the guise of my well being that you think I might be interested.  Any attempts of the aforementioned I will not only find insulting but will give me cause to NEVER solicit your store or product or business.

In a related avenue of marketing if you’re company is in the habit of making television commercials and in any of your commercials you stage tests or comparisons between your product a and competitor’s product.  I will either avoid that variety of products entirely or, if given no other choice will only choose to purchase your competitor’s product.

Moreover a business or company responsible or engaged whether directly or indirectly in any of the above marketing practices should not be in business and if I am repeatedly harangued in any of these ways then I will take equal action to support anything that damages your reputation, your revenues and your continued ability to do business with anyone.

And if i enter you store and an employee of your store says “Hello, is there anything I can help you find?”  More than once, I will immediately leave your store and never shop there again.

More coming soon…

Posted: 5th September 2010 by Josh Clark in Uncategorized
0

After a brief hiatus from the writer’s table I will be making a return in the coming weeks with a few interesting additions.   Also I’ve taken down some previous entries for revision.

Cell 7 – Prologue

Posted: 14th April 2010 by Josh Clark in fiction
Tags: , ,
0

Two days ago the phone rang.  I answered it even though I didn’t recognize the number.  Multnomah Country Sheriff;s office.  Car accident.  Drunk driver.  Five dead on impact.  My brother was the one intoxicated – it was his fault.   Scott Farmer, age 29, now deceased.  As the only living relative, I had certain responsibilities.

Through the course of history our ideaologies break apart and blow away with the winds and leave us only with the subtle practicalities of everyday life and the discarded husks of our dreams and intentions.  Little men and women stacking their little lives like cinder blocks in the wall of time.

I gazed out over the horizon, from my folding beach chair, I knew those were the thoughts in my mind; though I couldn’t have put them into words at the time, it was what I was feeling.

I was only 19 when our parents died the same way.  I was living with my girlfriend and her parents in a home on waterstone street in Michigan.  Scott said that he didn’t want to be here anymore.  By here, he meant the state or the country or the town or something.  After the funeral he quit his job, got in his car and drove west.  Ended up in Oregon.  Never heard from him after that.  Then I get the phone call, quit my job, cancel the lease on my apartment and buy a plane ticket.

Cell 7 — Excerpt 1

Posted: 29th March 2010 by Josh Clark in fiction
Tags: , ,
3

Cell 7

Darren struck a match across the shelf next to him and used it light his cigarette and then took down a glass  ashtray and placed it on the table in front of him.  He exhaled a long draft of smoke and blew it into a ring away from me.  A reflexive ettiquette.  He looked at me for a moment before speaking.

“You see We operate under a blanket of total paranoia.  Imagine every method of forensic science,luck and circumstance they show on television like CSI, multiply that by ten and you’ll start to understand the precautions that we take.”

“CSI isn’t real.”  I grinned and relaxed a little I still didn’t completely believe any of this.

“Exactly the point.  If it can’t be done and we are prepared for it then they’ll never find anything.”

“Isn’t that taking it a little too far?”

“I guess it depends on how seriously you take your life.”  He tapped his cigarette into the ashtray.  It was the kind of cheap glass ashtray they used in bars before the state banned smoking in them.

“The traditional systems are the problem.  They don’t work.  Anyone can walk through a college and get a degree in anything they want as long as they have a decent memory and the money to pay for it or can finance the loans, but not many actually learn anything.  Someone who is really interested in something or good at something will learn it on their own.  They’ll develop a passion for it, live it, breath it and most importantly understand what they are learning.”

I’d never heard anyone talk like this before I was enthralled in his words, I absorbed them.  He seemed to justify me in some way like I had thought the words he was saying but never spoke them or thought them all together before.  Another smoke ring drifted lazily, confidently across the room.  He was a strong man, A man to be admired, it was like an aura around him.

“Sooner or later in any job, people get lazy, things become routine.  The only thing people care about is going home, sitting in their chairs and living their little lives. The Police, the FBI, DEA, ATF they are all people with jobs; they clock in and out and they go to sexual harrassment meetings that they laugh about it afterwards just like everyone else.  I’m passionate man, a man of action, a man of planning.”

“So wait – what?  Are you like planning to take over the world from a rundown RV out in the woods?”  I laughed hesitantly, this was too much to take in, I knew he believed what he was saying but anyone can talk and I’d heard plenty of drunks and potheads in my college days talk a good talk, but somehow Darren made me nervous.

“No,”  He mashed his cigarette carefully into the ashtray and then blew his last draft toward the window.  ”We only deliver justice to the people who otherwise have the power or luck to escape it.”

“What does this have to do with my brother?  Or me?  Did you kill my brother?  Why are you telling me this?”

He only looked at me, If any of this true he was taking a risk in telling me, an unacceptable risk based on trust, leverage or the television drama possibility that he was about to kill me.  I knew at that moment that my life was about to change and so was my understanding of the world and it scared me.

Grocery

Posted: 24th March 2010 by Josh Clark in fiction
Tags: ,
2

A bell sounded in the distance as Neilan crept over the rise on his belly. Seven rings, still morning.  He wondered what fool had the diligence to continue ringing the bell regardless of circumstance; ignoring their own common sense and the prospects of their own survival for the simple assuredness of habitual comfort.

The dew dampened grass soaked through his shirt as he dragged the butt of the rifle to his shoulder.  He took aim at the parking lot below; down the sights he spotted a half dozen of the  rotting dead wandering between parked cars in front of the supermarket.  One of them clawed at an upturned shopping cart, a pair of them struggled over the remains of some small animal, its guts spilled onto the pavement as they tore it in half.

At the bottom of the rise an aimless shambling corpse looked up at the streetlight with a slack groaning jaw.  It was elderly man, maybe seventy, now dead dressed in workman’s coveralls with one eye hanging loosley from it’s socket and dangling now against his emaciated cheek.

Confident that he could take the handful of stragglers from here  with solid shots before they could clamber up the hill to reach him, Neilan swallowed, his mouth was parched, he was hungry.   He lined up his first shot on the old man – no the zombie, the dead thing – the walking corpse staring at the street lamp switched the selector on his rifle to single fire and exhaled as he pulled the trigger…

III. The importance of History, Education and Indexing

Posted: 24th March 2010 by Josh Clark in military theory, non-fiction
Tags: , ,
1

All history is important in military applications.  The history of your country.  The history of your enemies country.  The history of military operations in similar and disimilar environments.  In essence the greater a leaders understanding of the world the more capable they are of making effective and rationale decisions.  Leaders and common soldiers in militant organizations should always do everything that they can learn everything they can and to teach everything they can to thier peers.  History wil give you a background on what you are fighting for and against.

Education increases an individual ability to understand and interact with the world around them thereby giving them an advantage over uneducated individuals.  Soldiers are instructed with the basics of tactics, simple weaponry repair and physical conditioning.  this of course is the most basic training.  Officers and non comissioned officers are given quite frequently to further encouraging pertient education to his individual platoons or squads.  Passing out manuals, training in efective tactics and suitable terrain.  Obviously education and enrichment is very important both practically and socially in a military environment.

Indexing is simpy supply and catalouging.  The understanding of the equipment and personell contained within the unit or available to the unit.  Great emphasis should be put on the importance of this.  A general must be aware of the location durability range and capabilities of all the resources under his command both equipment and personel.  And of course have recycling programs in place for both.  A general should know the jobs of all of his subordinates  thoroughly and be able to maintain and repair all of the equipment under his command.  Sometimes this is difficult but it is very important to make an effort to be intimately familiar  with all aspects of the resources at his command from toilet paper and bullets to personal radios and ipods.  In emergencies anything can be reallocated duties, in times of need an engineer can disassemble a dozen components to fix or build another resource or an Explosive ordance disposal technician can make effective anti personal mines from gunpowder, silverware and scrap materials.  Again stressing the importance of education, these activities are the ones that make a leader or unit truly great.

Indexing also expands to personel.  A great and capable leader knows the names and duties of everyone under his command and is capable of understanding and communicating effectively with everyone under his command.  He should have regular contact with his trusted subordinates and have a thorough understanding of their psychological composition so that he can predict their effectiveness and reactions and apply their abilities to their most effective roles.  Leadership will be addressed in detail in a separate section.

In summation imagine a group of twenty soldiers deposited deep within enemy territory through whatever means.  Firstly imagine the impact of twenty regular well equipped and trained rifleman in fatigues.  Next imagine the same twenty rifleman well equipped and trained but also fluent in the language culture and history of the enemy, well educated and possessed of competent disposition and their ability to blend in with the enemy, act independently and covertly and go unnoticed conducting guerilla activities, maybe even getting jobs and becoming productive and influential members of the enemies society until reenforcements arrive and the proper time to strike arrives.

The Care and feeding of Senior Citizens Part I

Posted: 21st March 2010 by Josh Clark in comedy
Tags: , , ,
2

With a large percentage of our nations population getting old and becoming ’senior citizens’ it’s our duty as citizens to treat them with the respect they deserve even if that means taking away their health care benfits, sending them junk mail or even something as simple as hiding their keys.

I know must of us would be just fine with locking our 50+ year old family members in a large pet traveling case push food and water in to them once a day and change their newspaper occasionally but in reality the care and feeding of our senior citizens is very important aspect of our lives and a contribution to our communities. Just like children we have to see to their needs, feed them, dress them and make sure that they don’t potty on the carpet.

Most of us only grudgingly admit that we have seniors in our lives and do our best to quarantine them in them limited access areas of the house when we have company but I say that we should not be ashamed of our seniors we should display them with pride after all they are antiques in a very literal sense.  Since they are antiques we should also be ready to negotiate if someone offers to purchase our antiques with a good sense of what the value is of our particular senior.  (for estimates google antiques roadshow)

That being said first we must see top their dietary needs I know most of you have been tempted or even already have felt that urge to browse the puppy chow section at the local supermarket in hopes of finding a cheap alternative to keeping your senior fat and happy but I assure you that it is not only cheaper but easier to feed them table scraps.   just like pets though we should keep in mind that we want to feed them things that makes their coat shiny, their skin healthy and reduces their elimination as much as possible because nobody like cleaning up poo or for that matter rubber our seniors noses in it.  Remeber they were people once upon a time too and although they might be happier with pre chewed foods and liquids you can safely give them prechews and liquids that are made from whatever you eat!  The FDA might recommend Puppy chow but that doesn’t mean that you have to give it to them.  A steady diet of table scraps could actually improve resale value at a later date particularly if they have a shiny coat.

As a side note it should be understood that under no circumstances should you give your seniors coffee, caffiene or stimulants of any kind as this may induce a state of agitation that is unhealthy for them and this state could keep you up at night with annoying durations of your senior reminiscing of bygone years for hours on end.

Along a similar vein keep your seniors away from electronic devices, dvd players, vcr’s, televsions, computers etc as much as possible.  Most seniors are very easily confused and prone to agitation.  They will drone on and on about where the yahoo is or what an emial is or why their dvd player is broken.  Sometimes this only because they want attention and someone to talk to but more often the new fangled gadgets honest to god confuse them and creates a psychological ‘brainlock’ that leads them into uncontrollable fits of anger or tears.

Social care is important too and is most likely the most occurent occasion we have to see to our seniors well-being .  Many senior citizens may object initially to being patronized or condescended but in reality this type of behavior gives them a deep sense of comfort and security because it assures them that not only are they incompetent and useless but that they have no obligations or responsibilities whatsoever.

Older Entries